Where My Head Is At

I'm sure a few of you have missed me.  It all started because I was a little busy.  Then I just didn't feel like writing, then I didn't know what to write.  However I felt at worst it was time for an update.  I have plenty to show off and write about, I just don't really want to.  The other day I realized a bit why that is.  I've said on here a few times that I'm not a big fan of the Fall season because a lot of people I know and love have passed away in the months of September, October, and November.  I know death happens all year around, but it seems to escalate in the Fall to me.  In September, someone I met only once died but she really brought a lot of joy in that one time we met.  She died of cancer 11 years ago.  It was a tough pill to swallow, but I got over it.  However, exactly 2 weeks later, my dad passed away.  Two deaths in 2 weeks really takes a toll on you.  Sometimes I wonder if I really recovered from either.  Fast forward a few years later and the first week of October and a good friend since high school committed suicide, on another friends birthday no less.  This friend that died I worked with for a few years after we graduated and it was just a gut punch to me.  I hadn't talked to him in a year or two, but it came out of left field.

October also has some bittersweet happiness though.  One of my sister's birthday was over a week ago.  She would have been 40 this year if she didn't pass away from cervical cancer.  She was the glue that held the family together after my dad died, and because of that I don't think I ever recovered from that either.  She was diagnosed around the same time I suffered a severe back injury that in turn I never was cleared to return to work and I left my job.  Neither are related to each other, but the timing really seemed odd and it kind of brings me to where I am now.  I'll get to that in a bit though.

November really did a trick on me in high school.  When I was a Senior in high school my grandpa passed away on Thanksgiving.  I blamed myself for a long time for not visiting him one last time, but I have gotten past that.  But at the time I connected it to Thanksgiving, and I never cared for the holiday much since.  A few years later, a close family friend, and one of my dad's best friends died on the day after Thanksgiving.  He died a few hours after we talked to him that morning on a farm he owned of a heart attack.  He meant a lot to me because at one point he gave me a job.  I was once a paper boy, and I quit because I needed real money.  I applied to roughly 70 jobs, and nobody would hire me.  He needed some help with some odd jobs, and so I helped him out for a few months and it meant the world to me.  I think he just wanted someone to be with him while he did most the work, but I did get my hands dirty a few times.  When I finally got my job at Wendy's I felt bad that I couldn't help him as much anymore, but I still did a few more times.  I still keep an eye out for some concrete steps thinking back to the countless hours and weeks we spent trying to get some for a trailer he owned.

I have a point to most of this though.  I thought a lot and the other day it hit me why I'm just not motivated like I had been in recent years.  When my dad died, I got all his cards he had.  I had sold off my collection about 2-3 years earlier and was mostly out of the game, but when I got his collection, it gave me a bit of a spark.  At first my plan was to just sell it off, but it was fun collecting cardboard again.  I did for a few years but as the years went by it started to become an afterthought.  Fast forward to my back injury and I had more time to spend on cards, and I sorted them nonstop.  Once again it became fun again.  Once my sister needed someone to go with her to St. Louis for cancer treatments though, again, it became an afterthought, because it wasn't important.  After she died, I was just stuck.  I had nothing to do, and plenty of time.  I started to sort initially just so I could sell all the cards off and be done with it.  Then I found a website called Trading Card Database.  It was what I needed.  I could sort all my cards and archive what I had, making it a lot easier to know what I had and could sell.  However, I needed more to take my mind off my sister, and I started buying cards again.... A LOT!  It kept my mind off things, and it kept me happy.  I got involved in the card collecting world again with new eyes and new ideas.  It eventually lead up to starting this blog.  The blog was just to show off stuff, but something amazing happened the around the time I started.  My favorite team, the Royals who were cellar dwellers for 2 decades suddenly caught fire.  THEY MADE THE PLAYOFFS!  It gave me a fire to blog more.  They made it to the World Series!  I was stoked!  It gave me more fire!  Then they lost but it gave me hope in my team but also into collecting.  I fell in love with a sport again I didn't know I fell out of love with.

The next year it kept going, this time though the Royals won the World Series!  I was a full blown card addict again.  Two short years later something happened though that has really pinched my fandom in collecting and sports.  Some could blame the Royals and Mizzou's off year, but I think its more than that.  I think after all these years I finally lifted a burden.  I needed something to keep my mind off my dad and sister so much.  It was my fix, and it worked.  However I have started to find new ways and things to occupy my time and collecting cards isn't my #1 escape anymore.  I still collect, and I still plan to get cards, but its not like a drug that it used to be.  This blog isn't the drug it used to be.  I don't plan on abandoning either one, but if you treat a hobby like its a drug, sometimes you just need to go to rehab and take a break.  I think I've done that recently.  So with that, I won't say I'm done blogging or collecting, but I won't be compelled to write or collect because I MUST.  However, while I still have a few things I want to get done before I get back into both more regularly, I think when I do come back soon, I will have plenty to discuss and show off.  This time maybe with a new set of eyes.  Ones that aren't treating this hobby as a distraction, but more of a part time passion.

Thank you for reading such a long post, but I thought I'd get everyone up to speed on my whereabouts lately.  I have quite a few tasks I want to complete before I'm back more regularly, but I feel when I do come back I will be more refreshed.  Thanks for reading and have a great week!